Six months ago I was living 200 miles away, living in a house that I owned, with my boyfriend and his little boy with our dog, running my own business and going about life as usual. It wasn’t the average 9-5. It wasn’t the average life of a 27 year old.
Today I got to grips with my new 9-5, (well 8-4 but you get the gist). Im getting to grips with waking up with the Sun, walking the pooch, getting ready and going to an office all day, coming back to my parents home, walking the dog, having tea and just relaxing for the evening. Today I fully enjoyed myself, (the 3 day rule starts again). Its a ‘flexy’ contract so I can work any time from 7-7 but Im enjoying the 8-4 life. The money is not as good as when I had my own business, the hours aren’t anywhere near as good as choosing when to work and working from home but its a start.
Its progress. Its positive.
'Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving forward.'
This evening I have been thinking about how far Ive come in the past few weeks. Being kicked in the heart by the one person you thought would take care of you forever is quite motivational in changing the way you approach things.
In the last 3 months I have lost 20lb, dropped two dress sizes and have changed the way I look at food. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I do now realise that I was emotionally eating away the pain of missing my family and friends. I would never choose the way I looked then over the way I looked at the start of even middle of our relationship so I don’t know why I presumed he would be ok with that either.
I am a new Slimming World member and its one of the easiest most flexible ‘diet’ like plans Ive come across. I am a massive Pasta fiend and when I spent four months last year cutting out all carbs I was miserable without it. I weigh in on Tuesday evenings and I will record my progress on here so that I am accountable online as well as in my safe place (my home). I hope to loose another 24lb within the next 13 weeks (the start of October). I have had enough of putting up with the way I look, feel and have to dress.
The one thing that Im struggling with, and I have definitely found it harder this week than some, is emotional eating. When i struggle with sad, down, or lonely moments I turn to food. Its always there, it makes me feel good (even if just for moments) and it doesn’t give a single care in the world to what I’m wearing, dressed in, or look like.
But this is the time that I will finally achieve what I have been trying to achieve in years. My start weight was: 174b (12.43 stone). My current weight is 154lb (11 Stone). My Goal weight is 130lb (9.3 Stone).
I can do this. I will do this.
Life is tough my darling, but so are you.
Last night was a low point in my life. Possibly the first real time where I truthfully thought I wouldn’t mind in the slightest if I were to die.
I know thats not ok.
Now please understand I do not want to kill myself. I have a very strong adverse reaction to the thought of suicide, I have a family who love me, I own the best dog in the world, I would never be selfish or brave enough to end my life. Dying is different.
So this little blog is just a distraction. Something to get my mind off the bad and onto the wonderful joys that I used to see in the world. I can’t quite see them at the minute but I’ve been assured they are there somewhere.
Whilst in my ditch last night I googled my predicament and found ‘the rule of three’, this is where you vow not to do anything for three days, if during these three days you feel one moment of joy and happiness and have a sunny outlook on the world the rule of three starts again. The thing is its hard to distinguish what these special moments are when you hate everything about yourself.
I hope to try and get on here most days. If not just with a picture of my boy (my dog), or with a little story about how my day is. Hopefully ill have a nice moment to tell you about every three days.
I just need to try a little harder as I feel my feet are floating away from this Earth and feel the rest of my soul will join them soon.
'Do not fear death... only the unlived life. You don't have to live
forever; you just have to live.'